Accepting Death

So a lot has happened in the past week…

Right now I’m in my hotel room in Malone, NY, with my sister and niece. My grandma died Tuesday morning, so we came up for the funeral. I feel bad that I don’t feel that bad about it. She was sick for a long time, so I can rationalize and believe that it was for the best. It works for me, I don’t know. My friend commented to me yesterday that she doesn’t know how I can deal with death so well.

So I started thinking about it. Why DO I deal with death so well? DO I? Maybe because it’s happened so often? I was introduced to death at a very young age, when my younger sister died when I was 11. To me, I clung to the idea that it was God’s will, and she was very sick with cancer, so God took her to a better place, in heaven. That was somewhat easy to comprehend at the time. I was young and impressionable and didn’t question it. I never questioned much growing up. As I got older, I questioned everything, and that led me to many downfalls…

Deaths like my grandmother are OK for me to accept. Yes it’s sad, and I feel for my mom and my uncle, her only two children. I cried today for them, because it’s their mom! It’s never pleasant to lose a parent you’ve been so close with, which they were. What was hard for me to accept, but eventually did, was my friend dying last November. It was an apparent suicide, and it was not expected by anyone. How did I get through a tragic death like that? I put it all on God. It’s up to God who dies and who doesn’t. Many suicide attempts don’t work out, yet many freak accidents happen. My reason for these things is that it’s all God’s plan. He decides our fates, and when I can accept that and not question… I’m alright. I also see that it’s somewhat selfish. Like, who am I to judge God’s plan for us? If He’s ready for someone to die… I shouldn’t question His plan.

Of course, I DO find myself questioning at times. I’m not perfect, I do get into random anxiety moments about what death is and where we go when we die, etc… But for the most part, I just focus on my own part in life for the day and keep moving foward. Its keeps me somewhat sane.

 

movin on down

OK so I’m taking the plunge… I spoke to my counselor, and within a few minutes, she was on the phone with someone to transfer the grant money to pay for my room in the house. EEP!

I don’t know why but yesterday, I had a lot of anxiety about it. What if I hate it there? Maybe the people won’t like me? What if I don’t find friends as awesome as the ones I have at home? Totally irrational fears because none of that really matters if I focus on each day individually. Right now, I’m just going through the steps to move in, I’m not even there yet! Why am I worrying so much?? Also what’s cool and what I’m grateful for is that everyone is being so supportive of me. No one thinks it’s a bad idea. Mainly because it’s a very healthy decision and people would like to see me move forward. So would I… I just hope this is the right way to do it. I don’t see why it wouldn’t be.

I spoke to the store manager at work about it, and I could transfer to the store near school. I’m keeping my schedule here the way it is for a while, end of semester, then I’ll think about transferring stores. One of the regional managers was there today, and she said to keep communicating with my manager about it because she’s the one that will have to sign off on it and such. So that’s pretty cool, I’ll still have a job… My manager also had a talk with me about how I’m not getting a raise and blamed it on the economy and how the store hasn’t been making much money. So only a few people will get raises..? I’m not sure. But I feel like it’s because I’m not the most enthusiastic salesperson. Which kinda sucks, but I accept it because… it’s the truth! I HATE walking up to people and trying to sell crap… I hate when people do it to me at stores, and I feel uncomfortable doing it as my job. But, that’s the job and I’m gradually forcing myself to talk with customers and I’m playing with and looking at the product we sell. So I know what I’m selling…

 

Moving out? What?

I fell asleep and woke up with a lot of thoughts running through my head and a lot of anxiety. There are so many options for my future, and for the present!, and I couldn’t figure out what I should do first. I don’t really even want to write about it right now because I’ve been thinking so much…

But basically, I’m seeing my counselor tomorrow and seriously considering moving down to school within the next few weeks, if not next week. I would live there during the week and come home on the weekends, for this semester at least, because I have commitments here. Sunday school, Sunday night meeting, and every last Friday celebration. I also don’t want to quit my job at the moment. I would still have my network here while I build one up at school. If I stay over the summer, it’ll be a smooth transition into fall semester and I won’t be coming home so often. The goal is to stay there as much as possible so I can focus on my classes in the fall, since I will hopefully be full-time.

The idea of getting an internship this summer was in my head for a while this morning, too, but that’s not necessary at the moment. That’s something I can work out with my adviser after I figure out my living situations, if I do decide to do it. I will hopefully meet with him before I see my counselor in the afternoon.

Tomorrow is also my Birthday. Getting my own room in a house at school would be a pretty awesome b-day present to myself, eh?

 

Sunday Lessons

Another Sunday morning, another morning of hell with my 3rd grade Sunday School class.

OK maybe an overstatement. It’s just hard for me to handle them because I was never so obnoxious as a little kid. I don’t know what it was, but I had a lot of respect (or fear?) toward authority. I don’t know where the respect is in this class. Maybe I’m too lenient and they take advantage of that. I try to see where I’VE gone wrong. I can’t blame them, they’re only 8 years old…

I sent one of them to the rectory, finally, for the first time. He begged for a second chance, but I wasn’t having it. I was proud that I didn’t go on another selfish rant about how rude they’re being to me. I kept pushing through the class, trying to quiet them as I went… But it’s so difficult! Some of them really don’t care about what we’re doing and just don’t get it. But as long as just one of them understands what’s going on and takes something home with them, then I’ve accomplished my goal. At the end of class, I distributed the construction paper and crayons I brought with me. I had them make prayer sheets, either morning or night prayers or both. Amazingly, they all did it. Except for the two kids who already use prayer booklets at home. That’s cool.

I try. That’s what matters. The book is really boring though, so I wish I didn’t have to use it. I found a website with children’s sermons. I didn’t have time to print and make copies this morning, though, so I’m going to do that this week. They might respond better when we can have open conversation rather than trying to read while they’re all distracting each other. I’m trying to work with what I have, which is a classroom of disruptive, sometimes uninterested children. How to get their attention? Do things they might enjoy. Crafts, activities, conversations, questions and answers… They love discussing things, but it’s a challenge to keep them on topic. A challenge I pray to be willing to take on every Sunday until May…

 

Bleh.

So I made it through the exam. Then almost got in an accident because someone who seriously didn’t know how to merge lanes almost merged right into me!!! It was ridiculous! I noticed they had a handicapped tag, but that is NO excuse for poor driving skills!! I eventually got over it and said a prayer for that person and for the person who beeped at me as I swerved into the next lane…

I got home safe and had a good night with lots of people. A few uncomfortable moments, but overall it was fun. With so many people, it can’t always be a perfect night. I ended up coming home and staying up until 4am… gotta love random conversations with exes/old friends who still know me too well…

I’m finally showered and I ate and I’m ready to go to the library for an hour or so. Then probably doing a little more studying with crystal. Then it’s another night out, where anything can happen… Or, the same things happen… and I have a good time because I’m not at home sulking about… whatever it is I sulk about late at night.

I need more caffeine.

 

To cram or not to cram… does it matter?

I don’t know why I’m so peaceful right now. I have an exam tomorrow afternoon that I barely studied for. I should be stressed out and prepared to fail, right?

Instead, I’m accepting that I screwed up, had too many nights out late rather than studying, and if I fail, I’ll just have to work harder for the next few months. It’s really not a big deal. There’s nothing else I can do, besides sleep deprivation by staying up and studying… but that’s worse for me, I think.

I used to get like this all the time. Don’t study, fail exam, fuck it. Maybe I’m alright today because I know where I can change my behaviors. Last semester was hell. I thought I was going to fail everything, so I did as much work as I could toward the end… And I ended up with the best grades I could’ve hoped for. I know I can do this. Tomorrow is just another day, just another exam. I have 2 more chances to make up for it. Who knows, maybe I’ll get a decent grade. Gotta love multiple choice.

I don’t know why, when nothing crazy is going on, I slack off. Last semester, seriously, shit hit the fan. I don’t know how I managed, but I did. I give myself hope haha.

Constant communication with God and my network – that’s how I managed.

 

More Opportunity

I feel very accomplished right now. Not for getting any work done, because that did not end up happening… But for doing all the stuff I did today.  I didn’t stick to my plans very well, but being flexible has helped me meet new people at school, possibly a new network, and see and help people tonight. Good stuff.

I REALLY want to move down to school! The house down there is great! Well, not really, it’s the usual old New Brunswick kind of building… But I miss the community kind of living. I miss being able to sit in a living room and someone always being there. I’m too social to move out and get my own place, and I get cabin fever when I’m stuck with the same few people… Don’t get me wrong, like I’ve said, I’m grateful for what I have… But I have an opportunity to live somewhere that could be very beneficial for me. After group today, I drove two of the guys home to the house and I got a tour and heard about what it’s like to live there. I didn’t want to leave! I was thinking “can I move in tonight??”

Of course, no one at home really wants to hear that. And being home, telling people about it… Makes me think how I really don’t want to do it, either. When I’m there, I want to stay there. When I’m here, I want to stay here. It’s frustrating. I don’t know what the best plan of action is. I’ll keeping thinking and talking about it… I’m sure the right thing will happen, whatever happens.

 

Chill, it’s only Wednesday

I lost my focus on anything productive the past few weeks. And suddenly, I think it was Sunday night, I was jolted back to reality when I realized I have my first exam in Biochem this Friday. ehhh.

So I’m going through the extremes of “oh, studying can wait…” and “OMG I NEED TO STUDY EVERY MINUTE OF THE DAY!!!” I’m striving for a healthy middle area of the two… But I’m not good at it.  I was going to get up early to study before driving to class. ha. and here I sit. I need to leave in an hour and I’m still in my PJs. Oh well.

I have a call-in shift tonight at work, but I haven’t had to work on a Wednesday in weeks, so I assume I’m not working. So, sadly, I’ll have to miss my usual Wednesday night things and hide in the library when I get home from school. Which is alright though, because th early recovery group is starting up again this afternoon It should be good. I want to ask about spring break plans. My counselor told me that one guy’s father has a house in North Carolina and there’s grant money left in the recovery program to do stuff with… FREE SPRING BREAK!!!! If anyone wants to come, you’d be free, too. I don’t know when we’re going, but spring break is the week of March 15. Probably just 3-5 days.

That’s about it. I’m still stressing about Friday a little… But I still  have tonight and tomorrow until 4pm to study. It’s only multiple choice. No crazy equations to solve for. As long as I do the suggested problems and skim the chapters… I’m sure I’ll be fine. I’m still kind of amazed that I care so much about a class. Hmm could it be that it’s my own hard-earned money that’s paying for this class and the resulting grades? Maybe…

 

Options and interruptions

Just when I think things are falling together, more options arise.

I was waiting for the train this morning in the car with my dad. In only 10 minutes, another option came up:  Live with one of his friends/clients in Edison during the 6 weeks I could take microbiology in the summer. Hmm. It would probably be the cheapest idea, especially if I seriously look into taking the class at Middlesex instead of Rutgers. I’d rather just stay at Rutgers, though. No crazy paperwork or running around… It’s a place I know and am comfortable with… And if things keep going the way they’re going, I would be able to afford it.

Other options are:

• Commute 4 days a week in the summer from home to Rutgers.
• Take the class at a closer college in the summer, if I find out the class is equivalent to Rutgers’.
• Don’t take the class in the summer and find out if I can take it as a co-requisite with my food chem class in the fall, meaning I’d take 3 or 4 classes, and probably move down there for the year.
• Drop out of school.

OK so the last one isn’t really an option, just an extreme thought… But the one before that is kind of scary. Do I want to move back to school for a year? If I could afford it, would I want to do it? It’s something I’m seriously starting to consider. Commuting is time- and energy-consuming. I don’t really feel like a student. When I’m at school, I wish I didn’t have to leave. I love my campus, I want to stay there and be a part of it again. The only downsides are that I would be around old friends and places, which could be temptations and possible struggles, and I would be away from my network here at home. There are remedies for these things, though. Start a new network and stay focused on why I’m living there. With 3 or 4 classes and probably a job or two (or three), I would have enough to keep busy with.

As much as I love being around here, I also can’t stand living at home. Sometimes it’s great, like right now, no one’s home. But that only happens maybe once or twice a month. I don’t have my own room or even my own desk to study at. I try not to have resentments here, because I should be grateful I even have a place to live. OK I accept it. I do. But if I had an opportunity to move out, I would take it. I really don’t think it’s cool to share a room with 4 people, one being 3-years-old. However… would it be worth the mountains of debt that loans could put me into? That’s what I try to think about now. The big picture. Is it selfish of me to want some independence and freedom, when I know neither I nor my parents can afford it?

Anyway. Today was kind of an odd day. I had a few interesting things happen. First, this lady at the transfer station started talking to me about how the geese fly in the same formation in the same direction every morning. I’ve seen this woman by the gate I go through each time I take the train, but we’ve never spoken. It was so random… then she said how in her next life, she wants to be a bird. I’ve always dreamed of being a bird too, so that was funny. Then I said I saw a hawk in the trees right outside about a week or two ago and she told me about a hawk that people have been tracking in NYC…. haha.

Then, I get off the train and I’m enjoying my first cigarette, thinking about how I have to conserve the other 2 during the next 5 hours… when a taxicab driver interrupts me and asks if he could buy one from me. I was like hells yeah, a dollar for a cigarette! But then instantly regretted it because then I had only 1 left and didn’t have time to buy more before I came home.

Then I get on my bus to class and who’s sitting right there? My Little, Brandon! He was wearing our family’s sweatshirt, royal blue with white letters. I sometimes want to wear mine, but decide not to advertise around here… Our birthdays are next week, so we made tentative plans for that, and I was caught up with all the new things happening at the fraternity… They have 8 new pledges, and he had to tell me that one of them would have been perfect to be my Little. Aww a second Little. I always wanted one… for a split second, i thought maybe i could be active just to get her… But just as quickly, realized what a ridiculous idea that would be.

Then, on the way home at the transfer station, some random old guy commented about the weather and how one escalator makes noise and the other one doesn’t. “It probably needs oil!” he conlcuded, as he walked away singing some cheerful song…  OH! I forgot! Some guy was snoring SOOOO loud on the train from school to Secaucus! At one point, 3 other people turned around and we all smiled at each other… I like when stuff like that happens. I take the train and it’s like we’re all in our own little worlds. So disconnected. Then something happens, and we’re suddenly connected by that one event for a few minutes… and I don’t feel so alone.

Now I’m home, after driving my brother to work, and I need to study for an exam I have Friday. Which is amazing because I took this class a year and a half ago. I took the first exam, and I don’t think I studied for it. I heard it was multiple choice and thought I would magically pass… I don’t think I did. I don’t remember anything from this class from last time. It’s like I’m taking a completely different class. Amazing what some clarity in life can do for you.

 

Actual Work

I have two jobs, and when I’m not at school, I’m working at one or both in the day. Today is a two-job day. One is retail and the other is kind of an independent business thing. I receive bulk stock of a computer game from a company in Australia, then I pack and ship out all the United States orders. I get about 30-50 orders a week, so it’s not a huge deal. But at the end of last semester, there was a build-up of almost 700 orders by Christmas. I somehow managed to get them all out within a week, between studying for finals and recovering from a long, difficult fall semester. OK so I got some help from 2 of my friends and together we got 300 orders out in 4 hours.

The other job is retail at a learning store, for teachers, preschools, and parents of middle school aged children. It’s not the best job ever, but I make the best of it. The cheesy children’s music makes me happy. The people are all pretty cool, I’m comfortable with everyone there. Except the store manager. She’s very self-involved, and the way she tries to keep us in line is by telling us that SHE doesn’t want to get in trouble for what we’re doing. The paint shelf was really screwed up one morning because I forgot to straighten it the night before, and she said it would be HER head if the regional manager walked in and saw it that way. I want to shake her and be like “CHILL!! IT’S NOT ALL ABOUT YOU!! IT’S A RETAIL JOB AT A CHILDREN’S LEARNING STORE!! IT’S NOT THAT SERIOUS!”  I just want her to loosen up and not be so stressed all the time.

I guess it’s time to pack up the computer, get to the store, then run over to the office before going out for the night…