So a lot has happened in the past week…
Right now I’m in my hotel room in Malone, NY, with my sister and niece. My grandma died Tuesday morning, so we came up for the funeral. I feel bad that I don’t feel that bad about it. She was sick for a long time, so I can rationalize and believe that it was for the best. It works for me, I don’t know. My friend commented to me yesterday that she doesn’t know how I can deal with death so well.
So I started thinking about it. Why DO I deal with death so well? DO I? Maybe because it’s happened so often? I was introduced to death at a very young age, when my younger sister died when I was 11. To me, I clung to the idea that it was God’s will, and she was very sick with cancer, so God took her to a better place, in heaven. That was somewhat easy to comprehend at the time. I was young and impressionable and didn’t question it. I never questioned much growing up. As I got older, I questioned everything, and that led me to many downfalls…
Deaths like my grandmother are OK for me to accept. Yes it’s sad, and I feel for my mom and my uncle, her only two children. I cried today for them, because it’s their mom! It’s never pleasant to lose a parent you’ve been so close with, which they were. What was hard for me to accept, but eventually did, was my friend dying last November. It was an apparent suicide, and it was not expected by anyone. How did I get through a tragic death like that? I put it all on God. It’s up to God who dies and who doesn’t. Many suicide attempts don’t work out, yet many freak accidents happen. My reason for these things is that it’s all God’s plan. He decides our fates, and when I can accept that and not question… I’m alright. I also see that it’s somewhat selfish. Like, who am I to judge God’s plan for us? If He’s ready for someone to die… I shouldn’t question His plan.
Of course, I DO find myself questioning at times. I’m not perfect, I do get into random anxiety moments about what death is and where we go when we die, etc… But for the most part, I just focus on my own part in life for the day and keep moving foward. Its keeps me somewhat sane.
